This past weekend I enjoyed the most painful relaxation I’ve ever experienced. Let me explain.

My lady friend bought me a very thoughtful Christmas present, a gift card for a professional massage. Guys, I know what you are thinking, but you are wrong. This was not one of those “massages” you might arrange after a bachelor party, or while on a golf trip with your buddies. This massage was from a professional therapist, and was advised due to the stresses and tension I often feel in my shoulders and neck after a long week.

Many years ago my then-wife bought me a massage for a father’s day present. The therapist asked me my aches and pains, asked the type of music I wanted in the background, the lighting and whether or not I wanted to chat or enjoy the silence. I chose soft piano classics, dim lighting and silence.

The therapist then asked me what I did for a living. When she found out I was the publisher of her local newspaper, apparently she forgot all about the request for the soft music and silence. For the next hour she pounded me with every complaint she had ever heard about the newspaper. She may have helped ease some of the tensions in my back and neck, but frankly I don’t remember. To this day, all I can remember was that I was more stressed when I left than I was when I got there.

After this bad massage experience, I was a little reluctant about using my gift card. We called for an appointment, and since it was my first visit, I was asked to arrive early to answer some questions. I figured I would just leave out the part about my occupation.

I can tell you that I now have forgotten all about the bad massage experience a few years back. I told the therapist about the tensions in my back, shoulders and neck, and told her I wanted a “deep tissue” massage to help ease those pains. Well, she listened, and proceeded to beat me up. The kneading of my muscles was a bit painful at first, but afterward I could move my shoulders and arms better than I have for weeks.

So, guys and gals, if you’ve never experienced a professional massage, I wholeheartedly recommend it. There are several professional salons in the area, so ask around or check the ads in The Telegraph.

It only hurts until it’s over.

On Tuesday, October 27 we published a full page advertisement from a group that calls themselves the “U.S. Citizens Association.”

The content of the ad was highly critical of the Obama Administration, and indeed, the administrations of all Democratic Presidents back to President Jimmy Carter. If you did not read the ad, suffice it to say if you bleed Democrat Blue, you would probably have been offended at the claims made in the ad.

Several readers and at least one “Letter to the Editor” author read the ad and were incensed. In a classic case of “kill the messenger” the readers were angry that we published the ad, with one accusing us of selling out the newspaper for a “few pieces of silver.” I appreciate the reference to Judas Iscariot, but I have trouble likening the selling of advertising space to the betrayal of Jesus Christ.

The readers couldn’t seem to grasp that the advertisement they disagreed with was just that, an advertisement. The ad contained a plea for money to support their cause, and likely, similar advertisements. The method employed in this ad was to espouse opinions that would trigger like-minded individuals to send money to support the cause.

Hmmm. Does that sound like any other organization you know? Radio and television hosts, political parties, disease research foundations, community organizations and even churches from time to time use advertisements in an attempt to raise money. You don’t have to agree with the cause, and you certainly don’t have to send money, but should that preclude the organization from making the appeal?

Yes, we were paid to publish the ad. And yes, we would accept an ad from the opposition. We thought it was obvious, but for future reference, a disclaimer: “The opinions expressed by advertisers in The Telegraph do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff and management of the newspaper or its affiliated operations.”

And they probably don’t reflect the opinions of many of our readers either.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at the righteous indignation that erupted this week when St, Louis Cardinals’ skipper Tony LaRussa announced he would be back next year with a slight change in his coaching roster.

Yep, pitching coach Dave Duncan would be back, even after Cardinals management traded “little Dunk.” There was much speculation that he wouldn’t accept the job if Tony offered it. Hey, they’ve been together for decades, long before Dave’s kid got a major league contract.

No, the slight change is the batting coach. Hal McRae will no longer supervise and critique batting practice. Instead, Tony decided to hire a retired major league player that’s been out of baseball for 8 years! Some guy named McGwire. You may have heard of him.

Whether you currently are a Mark McGwire fan or not, you can’t dispute that he mobilized this area in a sea of red when he was racing towards breaking and setting anew the home run record. (It didn’t hurt that his closest competitor in the race was one of those hated Cubs).

I was there for 62 and for 70. Busch Stadium II and the town went wild for Mark McGwire when he set the new record (that would only last one season). Heck, they even named a stretch of I-70 in his honor.

What’s the next thing you remember about McGwire? That’s right, his evasive answers when asked to testify about steroid use before a Congressional hearing (and television cameras). I thought it especially interesting that he was called to testify before a group that never breaks any rules wink, wink.

Now Saint McGwire was sinner McGwire, a slight step above a gutter drunk that got his strength and courage from a bottle.

“Put an asterisk next to his name!”

“His record was accomplished (or not) because he used steroids!” We were ashamed.

So when LaRussa announced McGwire had accepted the position of batting coach, the talk shows lit up with indignant fans almost daring McGwire to come back to St. Louis and show his face. “We’ll stone him in the town square for his sins!”

Here’s my prediction: If Cardinal bats perform more consistently (and longer into October) next year, sinner McGwire will be forgiven and once again elevated to his saintly status.

Birthdays have never been a big deal to me. Birthdays mean you have lived another year, and that’s much better than the alternative.

I’ve never been sensitive about my age. On October 29, I will turn 55. Double-nickel. No problem. 30 wasn’t a big deal. 40 wasn’t frightening. And 50 was kind of nifty.

I think I look relatively good for my age. My hair is mine. My only gray hair is in my beard. I don’t have hair growing out of my ears, and I’m in pretty good health.

OK, so I prefer oldies to new music. Classic country and old Top 40 are my preferred selections. I even listen to talk radio. I remember more about 60’s television than I know about CSI: (fill in the city).

I’m getting ready for my aged 55 colonoscopy. The preparation is the worse part. Uh, it’s cleansing. The procedure is a nice nap.

My son is now a senior in high school. (Yes, I got a late start on the kid thing.) I recently went through a divorce, so at some point, I will look into the dating thing again.

None of this bothers me. Here’s what makes me older than I thought- yesterday the lady at the fast food restaurant charged me the senior citizen rate for a meal, and she didn’t even ask me how old I am!

Now I feel old.

I haven’t written in some time about places I like to eat, so here goes.

Have you been to Mac’s Timeout lately? Yeah, he’s still got a great bar and outside seating in a “beer-garden” setting. He is still an integral part of the Downtown Block Parties and he still hosts the area’s only Off-track Betting parlor.

What’s changed is the addition of an extensive menu of sit-down foods to please all palettes. Fast Eddie is still the undisputed king of the bar/food genre in Alton, so I guess I’ll dub Mac the crown prince.

I know Mac and Eddie are buddies, so I’ll either please or perturb both of them with this, but here’s the difference in Mac’s food and Eddie’s. When I am in the mood, I can’t get enough peel and eat shrimp and pork kabobs. But other times I want to use a knife and fork and have my food on a real plate. That and the number of menu items available differentiates the king from the prince.

Mac installed a HUGE meat smoker behind the new kitchen and has it filled every day with a variety of meats. My favorite are the ribs (is the ribs?). A half-slab with two sides (garlic potatoes, fries, Cole slaw, potato salad, green beans) is just $9.75. Now, that is a huge lunch so I prefer it for dinner. To compromise, Mac added an occasional lunch special which is a quarter-slab of ribs with fries for about $5.00. That one works great for me.

His Monday night special is, frankly, unbelievable. Try this one: two 8-ounce, smoked pork chops (about ¾” thick) with a huge baked potato and corn on-the-cob for just $4.95. I know a little about the food business, and he cannot be making any money at that price! I don’t know how long that one will last, so you’d better get down on Monday evening and try it.

OK, you know about the ribs and pork chops. How about a grilled Chicken Caesar salad, homemade chicken salad, Italian Beef, mini-Mac/s burgers, pulled pork, pork steak plates, hot dogs, nachos… you get the idea.

If you remember the Mac’s of a few years ago, fuhgetaboutit. The new Mac’s Timeout is now another of my favorites. And, (if you can keep a secret) watch for the addition of a Sunday Brunch and a possible catering business on the side.

And for my fellow cigar smokers out there, Mac’s Beer Garden is stogie friendly, and it features a full-service bar outside. So if you haven’t been to Mac’s lately, you really should give it a shot for lunch or dinner. You will not be disappointed.

Did you catch this Associated Press story:
Police: 8 officers hurt in Laker victory melees

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Los Angeles police say eight officers have suffered minor injuries during downtown disturbances that erupted amid street celebrations of the Lakers’ NBA championship victory over the Orlando Magic.
Officer Gregory Baek (BEK) says the officers were taken to hospitals for treatment of the injuries sustained during melees Sunday night in the Staples Center area.
What began as a lively but peaceful celebration took on a different tone for those remaining a few hours after the game. Some in the crowd vandalized a shoe store, buses and police cars, set small fires and threw rocks and bottles at police.
Police also said Monday that police cruisers were damaged, windows on public buses were smashed and fires were set in the street. Seventeen people were arrested Sunday night after police declared the gathering an unlawful assembly, authorities said.
Television footage showed people jumping on police cars, rocking vehicles attempting to pass through the crowd, setting small trees on fire and throwing bricks at empty buses. A gas station and a shoe store were looted, police said.
Bratton commended his officers for showing restraint despite “a lot of provocation from a number of knuckleheads,” he told KTTV-TV.

What the hell?! Call me sheltered, but I don’t understand how a victory celebration can turn into a riot where 18 people are arrested and 8 police officers are injured.

Can you imagine the pandemonium if the Lakers had lost to Orlando?

In case you missed it, please read the first two paragraphs of a Friday Associated Press story out of Springfield:

“SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (AP) – Sen. Roland Burris continued to fight accusations that he misled lawmakers and the public, saying Thursday it wasn’t his duty to tell a legislative committee about his conversation with the former governor’s brother if lawmakers failed to ask the right questions.

“You all have got it backwards. It is not upon a person who’s testifying to go out of his way on anything. It is the person who has to ask the questions,” Burris said during a stop in Springfield.”

So, the esteemed Mr. Burris testifying, under oath, to a legislative committee investigating allegations of a “pay for play” scheme involving the disgraced former governor Blagojevich’s appointment to fill the Senate seat vacated by now President Obama, didn’t feel it was necessary to disclose his verbal promissory note because the lawyers didn’t ask the right questions!

Amazing. Doesn’t it make you proud to know that your junior senator from the Land of Lincoln is an honorable man because he didn’t tell about his conversation with Rob Blagojevich just because nobody (specifically) asked him about it!

I’ll remember this loophole in case I ever witness a robbery or murder. I won’t report it unless the cops ask me if I saw it. No sir, no civic responsibility here. My senator said so.

Nope, I don’t buy it. I’m not a lawyer, but even I’m smart enough to know that at the minimum Burris is guilty of obstruction of justice. He may have told an edited version of the truth when he only answered the questions, but he didn’t tell the whole truth. I think perjury is the more appropriate charge.

Let’s review that oath again: “I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

You’d better hope God helps you Mr. Burris, because in my book you’re a liar.